Bullying is one of the most painful challenges parents can face—not only when their child is the target, but also when they discover their teen is the one doing the bullying. Many parents feel shocked, ashamed, or unsure of how to respond. But behind bullying behavior, there’s often more going on than meets the eye.
For some teens, bullying is a way of coping with insecurity, stress, or the pressure to fit in. Others may be struggling with emotions they don’t yet know how to manage. Understanding why teens bully doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does open the door to more effective solutions.
In this post, we’ll explore why some teens turn to bullying, the warning signs to look for, and how parents can respond in constructive, supportive ways that help their child grow.
What Is Teen Bullying?
When a teen uses words or actions to harm someone else’s well-being or property, it is bullying. Bullying is behavior meant to intimidate and make others feel threatened or powerless. Teen bullying is typically ongoing and can overwhelm the person on the receiving end.
There are different types of teen bullying, including:
- Verbal bullying
- Physical bullying
- Emotional bullying
- Cyberbullying
- Sexual bullying
All types of bullying can cause serious trauma to the victim. The victim feels powerless and unable to defend themselves because the bully is stronger, more popular, or has some other control over them. They can even blame themselves for the bullying and feel anxious and depressed.
Why Do Teens Bully?
Bullying isn’t always about cruelty for the sake of it. Many teens who bully are dealing with their own struggles and use harmful behavior as a way to cope, gain control, or hide insecurity. Understanding the “why” behind bullying doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does help parents and educators see where intervention and support are needed.
Struggles With Self-Esteem
Teens who feel insecure about themselves may put others down to feel stronger in comparison. Bullying becomes a way to cover up their own doubts or fears by shifting attention to someone else. For example, a teen who worries about their appearance might target another student with comments about how they look. While this may give them a temporary sense of power, it usually reflects deeper feelings of inadequacy.
Pressure to Fit In
Adolescence is a stage where fitting in with peers feels critical. Some teens bully to gain approval from a certain group or to avoid being excluded themselves. This often looks like joining in when others tease someone, even if they wouldn’t have started the behavior on their own. The desire for belonging can push teens into harmful actions they may not fully agree with but feel pressured to continue.
Difficulty Managing Emotions
Bullying can also be an outlet for unresolved anger, frustration, or stress. Teens who don’t yet have healthy ways to cope may lash out at others when they feel overwhelmed. For instance, a teen dealing with conflict at home might take out their feelings on a classmate at school. The aggression is less about the peer and more about not knowing how to regulate strong emotions.
Modeling Learned Behavior
Teens often repeat what they see. If they grow up in environments where aggression, criticism, or manipulation are common, they may view bullying as a normal way to interact with others. Media, online spaces, and peer groups can reinforce this, making it harder for them to recognize that the behavior is unhealthy or harmful.
Desire for Control or Status
Some teens bully as a way to gain or protect social status. By intimidating others, they can create an image of strength or authority in their peer group. This sense of dominance can make them feel more secure, especially in environments where popularity or reputation feels fragile. While it may give them short-term validation, it often masks underlying feelings of insecurity or fear of losing control.
Warning Signs Your Teen May Be Bullying Others
Parents don’t always witness bullying directly, which can make it difficult to know if it’s happening. Often, the signs show up in subtle shifts at home, school, or in friendships. Paying attention to these patterns can help you spot concerns early and step in with support.
Some common red flags include:
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Frequent conflicts with peers – Your teen often gets into arguments, fights, or power struggles with classmates or friends.
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Controlling behavior – They try to dominate siblings, friends, or group dynamics, insisting things always go their way.
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Dismissive or cruel language – They make mean jokes, put others down, or show little empathy when someone is hurt.
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Disciplinary concerns at school – Teachers or administrators report issues with aggression, intimidation, or exclusion.
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Unexplained shifts in peer groups – Friendships change quickly, often with patterns of falling out after conflict or control.
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Defensiveness when confronted – When asked about behavior, they deny or minimize it instead of acknowledging mistakes.
Not every teen who shows one of these signs is bullying, but consistent patterns may point to deeper struggles that need to be addressed.
How Parents Can Respond Constructively
When parents discover their teen is bullying others, the instinct may be to punish or lecture. While accountability is important, lasting change comes from helping teens understand their behavior and develop healthier ways to cope. Approaching the issue with firmness and compassion sets the stage for growth.
Start With Open Conversations
Give your teen a chance to talk about what’s going on beneath the surface. Ask open-ended questions like, “What made you react that way?” or “How do you think the other person felt?” Listening without immediate judgment helps your teen feel safe enough to be honest.
Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries
Make it clear that bullying behavior is unacceptable, both at home and at school. Establish consistent consequences while also offering guidance on what respectful behavior looks like. Teens need to understand where the boundaries are and what’s expected moving forward.
Model Empathy and Respect at Home
Teens learn a lot from what they see. When parents handle conflict calmly, show kindness, and treat others with respect, it sets an example that carries more weight than lectures alone.
Hold Them Accountable Without Shame
Labeling your teen as a “bully” can make them feel trapped in the role. Instead, focus on the behavior, not their identity. Talk about what needs to change and encourage them to take responsibility in practical ways, like making amends if they’ve hurt someone.
Helping Teens Build Empathy
Empathy is a powerful antidote to bullying. When teens learn to see situations from someone else’s perspective, they’re less likely to hurt others. Parents can nurture this skill by encouraging activities that strengthen emotional awareness.
Some ways to build empathy include:
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Encouraging them to reflect on how their words or actions affect others.
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Exposing them to diverse experiences, whether through books, films, or community events.
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Supporting opportunities to volunteer, where they can see the impact of helping others firsthand.
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Practicing perspective-taking during conversations (“How do you think your friend felt when that happened?”).
When to Seek Professional Support
Sometimes bullying is more than a phase—it can signal deeper struggles like low self-esteem, unmanaged anger, or even untreated mental health conditions. If your teen’s behavior doesn’t improve with consistent guidance at home, professional support can provide the tools they need to break the cycle.
Options for support include:
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Individual therapy to help your teen process emotions and learn healthier coping skills.
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Family therapy to improve communication, set boundaries, and strengthen relationships.
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School counseling for additional accountability and strategies in their daily environment.
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Structured teen programs when higher levels of care are needed to address underlying issues.
Seeking help doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent—it means you’re giving your teen the best chance to grow into a healthier, more empathetic adult.
Support That Helps Teens Break the Cycle
When a teen bullies others, it’s often a sign they’re struggling with emotions or challenges they don’t know how to handle. With the right guidance, they can learn healthier ways to cope, rebuild empathy, and form stronger relationships that lift them up instead of tearing others down.
At Imagine Boise, we help teens uncover what’s driving harmful behaviors and give them practical tools to create positive change. Through therapy and teen-focused programs, we work alongside families to support growth, accountability, and long-term resilience.
Contact us today to learn more about our teen therapy programs and how we help adolescents replace harmful patterns with confidence, empathy, and connection.